Fast Food Loves Me!

This dude took a bunch of pictures of his fast food and compared them to the advertised images. He says nothing was edited, squashed or otherwise fucked up. These shots look pretty accurate compared to what I’m used to seeing:

Fast Food: Ads vs. Reality

Although to be honest both versions look pretty damn tempting to me. Think I’ll head to Burger King right now.

How is it that a fast food chain such as Arby’s run out of curly fries? Is the gas crunch causing shortages with shipments from Idaho?  In Asheville NC, they told us that “the gas doesn’t flow uphill, and therefore has to be trucked in.”  I guess that potatoes don’t roll uphill? It’s just a tragedy that a fast food restaurant could run out of french fries!

Although the drive thru lady was really nice about it, I was really looking forward to some Arby’s curly fries. In fact, I wanted curly fries so freaking bad that I drove 3 miles beyond Burger King, McD’s and Taco Bell JUST to get Arby’s curly fried goodness. But noooooooo, I had to settle with Mozzarella Sticks and Jalapeno Bites dipped in that berry blaster sauce or whatever the hell it’s called. They aren’t so bad, but they are no curly fry caliper material.

While normally I would be upset about something like this for weeks on end, I actually take a bit of comfort knowing that this particular Arbys establishment has been nothing short of impeccable. Service is generally incredibly fast, and food orders always 100% accurate. As testimony to how good this place is, I once asked for a “shitload of Horsey Sauce” and the drive thru chick actually went and filled up an entire BAG full of Horsey! Hell yeah!

So, I think we’ll let Arby’s off the hook with this one. Next time it happens though, all hell shall break loose.

Need proof that heavy duty McDonalds consumption is healthy? Check this out. Dude named Fond Du Lac from Wisconsin claims to have just reached the 23,000 Big Mac milestone. That is a lot of fucking Big Macs. According to this article on CNN, Du Lac is quoted as saying “I enjoy them every day, I need two to fill me up.”

Think about it. 23,000 Big Macs since May of 1972. Documented, with receipts in a box. Wow man! A big hats off to you, Mr. Du Lac. This is the kind of milestone that Fast Food Loves Me likes to see. 

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/09/10/big.macs.record.ap/index.html

Well folks, Fast Food Love’s Me strikes again (for the 2nd time). I just got wind from one of our truly fanstastic and lovely clients, that the coveted KFC chicken strategy indeed works, and works WELL. My source tells me she got so much chicken that she actually is stuck with bushels of freshly hatched eggs! (not really, but still)

This has an awesomeness factor of like a billion zillion, with like a shitfamilymealload of exponents (that I don’t know how to type on my keyboard). And let me tell ya, that means it’s seriously awesome.

So, I say to all of you who have not yet experienced the best of what Kentucky Fried Chicken has to offer, you are so missing out. Whatever you do though, don’t try this for yourself. Please don’t ruin it for all two of us that have successfully swindled gallons of chicken.

Sorry Chickflia. Your coveted chicken sandwich recipe is no longer unique. By now, most everyone has seen the influx of southern style chicken sandwiches at various different fast food chains. McDonald’s seemed to be the first one there. I’ll never forget the moment when I saw McDonald’s McSouthern or whatever they call it on tv. I was eating a Whopper at the time, and immediately threw it in the trash so I could haul raw ass to McDonald’s.

Boy was it good. It was basically no different from Chickfila’s, sans the waffle fries. The chicken was greasy and nasty just the way I like it, and the plain bun and pickles were like mouth sex for my mouth. And the beauty of it all? I was eating my southern style Chickfila ripoff sandwich ON SUNDAY. Thank god that McDonald’s is godless. Why oh why anyone would close a fast food chain on Sunday is beyond my scope of comprehension. Thanks McDonald’s!

Ok dudes and dudesses. Time and time again I have stressed the importance of always keeping a keen eye out for positive things that come out of negative situations. Anytime something bad happens, it sucks. You feel sad, angry, sometimes helpless, and sometimes, like there is just no way out. Adversity strikes each and every one of us day in, day out. I’m no different, I get shit on all the time.

Negative situations blow. But the one thing you can always count on, is there WILL be a positive to come from the negative. Sure as shit, you can bank on it just like the sun coming up in the morning. The trick is keeping a watchful eye out for those positives! If you can keep a cool head and an open mind through your times of trial, something good will ALWAYS come up.

Take 1 hour ago in my life as an example. Excited as always for lunch, I doubled the speed limit on my jaunt for my daily McChicken fix. Today I drove exceptionally fast–as I purposefully starved myself this morning, so I would enjoy my McChicken THAT MUCH MORE. McDonalds speaker person, here the fuck I come!

36 minutes after my arrival at the McDonalds drive thru line, I pull up to the 2nd window to finally receive my beloved McChicken. Hungry, weakened, desperate. They call this fast food? It was brutal torture. I could smell my McChicken cooking, but it was just not to be. I was nearly devastated having to wait such incredibly long time.

But then I reasoned with myself and remembered my own advice. “Jim,” I reflected, “this wait time is fucking shitty. Yes, you are hungry, and about to pass out from the lack of McDonald’s chemical matter. Take a couple of deep breaths, and remember… somewhere here lurks a positive. Somewhere, a positive is jumping up and down trying to get my attention.”

Then it happened.

I tearfully watched in wonder as the 2nd window guy shovels a HUGE stack of Splenda in my bag. “Holy shit, that’s easily a dollar or more score!” I thought, as he proceeded to profusely apologize for my agonizing wait time. By the time I get home and run the numbers, I leave McDonalds with $1.40 in Splenda packets. That’s nearly one and a half times the value of the drink itself. Mother fuck yeah!

So you see boys and girls. No matter how shitty the situation, you MUST not lose sight of the fact that something really fucking rad is about to happen. More often than not, you really have to look hard. Sometimes you have to use some imagination. But as long as you make that effort, you can transform the suckiest anything into something much, much better.

So anytime you are feeling blue and feel as though life is not worth living, just give me a call. I’ll calm you down and remind you of one of my age-old life lessons:

life will always make you eat shit. But if you keep some cinnamon in your pocket to sprinkle on it, it becomes more palatable by leaps and bounds.

This is the extent of my criminal activity on this planet. Tonight was my very own personal oceans 15 and shit. So, we all know that a large unsweet tea at Burger King costs 99 cents. Tonight, I asked for “a whole bunch of Splenda” and was handed 28 packets by the nice lady.

I thought hell yes, and stomped the gas pedal.

So, after thoroughly enjoying my Burger King, I immediately began researching. A quick search for Splenda packets led me to a website selling 100 packet Splenda for $10.42, as depicted in this screen grab. The red arrows should highlight precisely where the price is located:

The above red arrows depict this price I found on a simple Google search for Splenda packets.

So, –ok like, 5 hours has gone by since above so I’m not sure where I was going with this. Well, lets just run the math to see how much one packet of Splenda costs in the real world:

$10.42 / (divided by) 100 packets = $.1042 per packet.

Now, that rounds down to ten cents each, a really solid, good happy damn round number. Now, with that math in mind, we can compute how much value in Splenda I received tonight:

$.10 per packet X (multiplied by) 28 packets = $2.80.

Wow. That’s damn near three times more than the value of the drink. That is fucking mafia quality highway robbery right there. Yeah I am bad.

Steve suggested that we take this a bit further though, and that these findings are really lame and infantile, and I am more of a loser now than ever before. So he says that if I want to be cool, I  would keep a running tab on my surplus/deficit of Splenda, and run a study of the value over a long time period. Now this, this fucking sounds cool.

This is going to require some planning. I will need to come up with a way to solidly monitor my stock levels of Splenda. While we’re on it, we should probably add other sauces too, and see how much dough we can really save. This will probably require a brand new post and maybe it’s own page. Hmmm. Let the Fast Food Olympic Games begin.

Oh, if you are a fast food exec, please, this is all staged. If you are real, then use your judgment based on my concrete factual evidence. Hell yeah that’ll cover my ass.

Holy chicken Mcfuckin selects, my dreams are now being realized. While service is only limited to Brooklyn and the Bronx, it looks like life will be good before I die. I would pay 40, 50 bux right now for a couple large milkshakes delivered to my door. Oh man…

mcdonalds.delivery.com

I might be onto something here. Every time I go to Taco Bell, I am usually always asked if I want sauce. I assume that it’s Taco Bell policy to ask customers if they would like sauce. Makes sense, it’s a nice gesture.

But.

Have you noticed the ABUNDANCE of sauce packets that they actually give you? I am usually handed 20 packets easy. Even if I order a Bel Grande combo and that only comes with one damn taco. I mean, how much sauce does one actually need? It doesn’t make sense.

I think I know what’s going on here though. I think, this is the work of some really sneaky genius marketing people at Taco Bell.

I believe that Taco Bell gives you an outrageous number of sauce packets, because many people will feel that there are just too many to throw away. I mean after all, it’s like a 4 dollar thing of Texas Pete thats how many they goddamn give you. So, what do you do? You stick them in a place with all the other shit like that.

Then, this is fundament of Taco Bell’s genius. Here’s what transpires:

It’s getting late.

There is shit in the fridge. You thumb around looking for snacks.

Oh, a gigantic fucking load of fire sauce. Man, if only I had tacos to put that shit on.

Mmm, tacos.

And next thing you know, off to Taco Bell you go.

So with this logic in mind, one cannot help but to focus on the actual per-packet cost of a Taco Bell hot sauce. I am really, really interested to know, just how much a Taco Bell pays for 1 individual fire sauce.

Because it seems to me, that the cost of the packet is so small, that it pales in cost to advertise in your home, sans the television. I think that Taco Bell knows that once you see a fire sauce, that you will be eating tacos within 15 minutes.

These are questions that I would really like to have answered. I’m going to email Taco Bell with hopes that they will provide us all with the information we crave.

Long Live 4th meal.

Man, for some reason, this dude just strums my heartstrings like a fuckin’ harp. I feel for the guy. Yesterday, instead of snail mailing Burger King, I decided that my buddy’s well being warranted very staunch and imminent action.

After a couple ‘on holds’, I was handed off to someone in BK’s HR department. Dude was very polite, very understanding, and very sympathetic towards our guy. Gave the dude a sit rep, and how I felt our guy might have been subject to someone else’s extra-occupational affairs, and how I felt he was treated like a 12oz bag of smashed assholes.

HR guy thanked me for my concern, and told me that Burger King as a corporation, would never condone such drama in their workplace, and how they take great strides to make their place of employment a friendly, proper environment. I believe the guy. Cool dude.

He then told me “he would investigate the matter with the local operating partner,” and profusely thanked me for my continued business in choosing Burger King.

So that’s yesterdays old stale ass news. Today, chomping at the bit for my daily fast food fix, I hauled ass to Burger King as soon as I could find the time. My, what a difference a day makes.

My buddy was there, but was not running the window. Today’s window person was wearing a very nice dress shirt, quality silk tie with sterling silver tie clip, and slacks. He had a nice upscale Swiss watch, and was very well kept-FAR beyond that of some kamikaze shift supervisor or location manager ball licker. This was a big wig my friends, and WOW was my order handled in the speediest, most absolutely professional Burger King-handbook-esque fashion that one could ever truly experience. This dude was no rank and file nobody, he was the MAN.

I gotta hand it to the Burger King human resources dude. Homeboy was sincerely concerned with my concerns, did not fuck around and took immediate action. Fuck yeah man, the raw brute power of philanthropy strikes again.

While this entire debacle is kind of entertaining and funny (and benefits me monetarily, haha), the real beauty in this cannot be overlooked. While my buddy wasn’t running the window, he was right behind the big wig (probably being trained how to do it right…).  I could tell by the look on his face that even though things were still shitty-after all he works at Burger King-that it was better than yesterday by leaps and bounds. I gave him a thumbs up, and, although I don’t know for certain, I think the smile on his face seemed to set his mind at ease… just a little bit.

Ah, now that, puts a smile on my face.