Fast Food Loves Me!

This is the extent of my criminal activity on this planet. Tonight was my very own personal oceans 15 and shit. So, we all know that a large unsweet tea at Burger King costs 99 cents. Tonight, I asked for “a whole bunch of Splenda” and was handed 28 packets by the nice lady.

I thought hell yes, and stomped the gas pedal.

So, after thoroughly enjoying my Burger King, I immediately began researching. A quick search for Splenda packets led me to a website selling 100 packet Splenda for $10.42, as depicted in this screen grab. The red arrows should highlight precisely where the price is located:

The above red arrows depict this price I found on a simple Google search for Splenda packets.

So, –ok like, 5 hours has gone by since above so I’m not sure where I was going with this. Well, lets just run the math to see how much one packet of Splenda costs in the real world:

$10.42 / (divided by) 100 packets = $.1042 per packet.

Now, that rounds down to ten cents each, a really solid, good happy damn round number. Now, with that math in mind, we can compute how much value in Splenda I received tonight:

$.10 per packet X (multiplied by) 28 packets = $2.80.

Wow. That’s damn near three times more than the value of the drink. That is fucking mafia quality highway robbery right there. Yeah I am bad.

Steve suggested that we take this a bit further though, and that these findings are really lame and infantile, and I am more of a loser now than ever before. So he says that if I want to be cool, I  would keep a running tab on my surplus/deficit of Splenda, and run a study of the value over a long time period. Now this, this fucking sounds cool.

This is going to require some planning. I will need to come up with a way to solidly monitor my stock levels of Splenda. While we’re on it, we should probably add other sauces too, and see how much dough we can really save. This will probably require a brand new post and maybe it’s own page. Hmmm. Let the Fast Food Olympic Games begin.

Oh, if you are a fast food exec, please, this is all staged. If you are real, then use your judgment based on my concrete factual evidence. Hell yeah that’ll cover my ass.

Are they for real? I don’t believe this. I’m actually going to have to complain that they don’t have a complaint form. I was looking out for my gay black buddy right. He had a rough day. I have the power to improve his life, so why not. Jim the all powerful. So off I head to BURGER KING DOT COM to complain.

What the fuck kind of fast food restaurant doesn’t accept feedback from their customers. This is an outrage. I am now going to send two letters certified to these motherfuckers at:

Burger King Corporation
5505 Blue Lagoon Drive
Miami, Florida 33126

I will keep everyone updated with how they treat me like a pair of sweaty balls over the upcoming 12 months. Mother fuckin’ Burger King…

Dear gay black guy,

I’m sorry that your day is shitty and that you are pissed off. I hope my words of wisdom to you brighten up your ugly ass day. I feel your pain man. Those shift supervisors can be real mushroom hats sometimes. I have never worked at a fast food place or a Burger King, but let me tell you man I have had my share of bosses that I would have loved to kick the shit out of.

Let me tell you a story. One of my old bosses, for anonymity sake lets call him Jack, (can’t remember his last name or I would call him right now and make fun of him and hang up) anyways, Jack really got on my fucking nerves. Very similar to how your bossman is riding your ass, probably even right now. So one day I had a really fucking good idea. I was gonna play the ultimate, what-you-gonna-do-about-it style prank on him.

So back in the day, the Iwanna used to let just about anyone post an ad online. You didn’t need to have a real name or phone number or any shit like that. All you needed was some creativity:

1999 HARLEY DAVIDSON SOFTTAIL - Husband cheated on me, I hate looking at it, it’s beautiful, first $400 takes it. [STORE LOCATION PHONE NUMBER], ask for Jack. Please, call ONLY between [the hours I worked so I could hear him be paged every 3 seconds].

Haha, that shit worked like a motherfucking charm! At times, all 4 lines in our store would be on hold blinking for Jack. Jack would storm around the place pissed off having to answer another phone call.

But my gay black friend, here is where I went wrong. One day, Jack walked by me, and said “goddammit if this phone call is for the Harley Davidson I swear to god….”

I lost it. I hit the ground laughing so hard man, like the bag boy had to come mop up my wiz and put up one of those yellow don’t fall cone things.

Immediately busted.

BUT WHAT COULD HE DO? The ad was only 2 days strong and we all know just how many goddamn Iwanna’s they print. All he could do was really act unfavorably toward me.

So basically what I’m getting at is that you can be very, very creative when it comes to unpissing yourself off. Use the person who pissed you off as your target. Set a goal for the level of angry/sad/inconvenienced that you want them to become. Goals are easy to attain when you break them down into smaller, more manageable tasks.

Anyways, because it is my absolute mission in life to help people and improve the quality of life of others who are kind to me, I got your back dude. I’m emailing BK right now on your behalf. I’m gonna let these motherfuckers know just what transpired and caused your mucky day.

It’s my true hope that you get some sort of resolution out of this. Perhaps a bigwig will visit your store and chew out your supervisor. It’s my dream that you get to see it and that it puts a smile on your face.

If not though, I sincerely hope that your day improves. You are a nice well spoken dude, and I truly appreciate just how many additional Splendas you always give me (but I won’t tell them that).

Best,
Jim

Burger King milkshakes are the best. Everytime I get one, I audibly tell anyone who will listen, just how much pleasure a Burger King shake can bring.

It’s not so much that it tastes good. It’s a milkshake and tastes like a milkshake should taste. Burger Kings are no better than fucking Dairy Queen.

No, the reason Burger King’s milkshakes are so incredible, is because the milkshake machine only works about 10, maybe 11% of the time. I routinely order a milkshake every single trip I make to Burger King, every single day. The reason I am not getting fat is because I only manage to drive home with a milkshake maybe once every three or four months.

It gets a man wondering though. How much money do I save, and does Burger King lose, by not maintaining and/or upgrading their equipment? Lets conduct an experiment for the sake of nothing else to do.

FAST FOOD EXPERIMENT VARIABLES

Let’s say one visits Burger King once per day.
Let’s assume a rate of one large chocolate milkshake per day.
Let’s call Burger King and double check how much a shake costs…

$2.66 OUT THE DOOR. (going milkshake market rate at my local Burger King establishment)

So, we can say that within a years time, Burger King loses out on:

365 (days) x $2.66 (shake cost) = $970.90.

Almost a grand! Yeah yeah that includes tax… but just humor me here.

Burger King: Why eat like a clown when you can eat like a king?

I just got an email from someone asking me what the deal is with our logo burger. I will respond openly.

Dear reader,

The burger that is our logo is a Whopper Junior. We didn’t use a full Whopper because we were getting ready to go home and take turns fucking it, as you can see.

Plus, Whopper Juniors, for reasons unbeknownst to me, have more of that classic flame-broiled taste as compared to its Pop, the full-on Whopper.

I hope this clears up your curiosities, and lets you sleep well tonight.

Pleasant dreams,
Jim