Fast Food Loves Me!

This dude took a bunch of pictures of his fast food and compared them to the advertised images. He says nothing was edited, squashed or otherwise fucked up. These shots look pretty accurate compared to what I’m used to seeing:

Fast Food: Ads vs. Reality

Although to be honest both versions look pretty damn tempting to me. Think I’ll head to Burger King right now.

Ok dudes and dudesses. Time and time again I have stressed the importance of always keeping a keen eye out for positive things that come out of negative situations. Anytime something bad happens, it sucks. You feel sad, angry, sometimes helpless, and sometimes, like there is just no way out. Adversity strikes each and every one of us day in, day out. I’m no different, I get shit on all the time.

Negative situations blow. But the one thing you can always count on, is there WILL be a positive to come from the negative. Sure as shit, you can bank on it just like the sun coming up in the morning. The trick is keeping a watchful eye out for those positives! If you can keep a cool head and an open mind through your times of trial, something good will ALWAYS come up.

Take 1 hour ago in my life as an example. Excited as always for lunch, I doubled the speed limit on my jaunt for my daily McChicken fix. Today I drove exceptionally fast–as I purposefully starved myself this morning, so I would enjoy my McChicken THAT MUCH MORE. McDonalds speaker person, here the fuck I come!

36 minutes after my arrival at the McDonalds drive thru line, I pull up to the 2nd window to finally receive my beloved McChicken. Hungry, weakened, desperate. They call this fast food? It was brutal torture. I could smell my McChicken cooking, but it was just not to be. I was nearly devastated having to wait such incredibly long time.

But then I reasoned with myself and remembered my own advice. “Jim,” I reflected, “this wait time is fucking shitty. Yes, you are hungry, and about to pass out from the lack of McDonald’s chemical matter. Take a couple of deep breaths, and remember… somewhere here lurks a positive. Somewhere, a positive is jumping up and down trying to get my attention.”

Then it happened.

I tearfully watched in wonder as the 2nd window guy shovels a HUGE stack of Splenda in my bag. “Holy shit, that’s easily a dollar or more score!” I thought, as he proceeded to profusely apologize for my agonizing wait time. By the time I get home and run the numbers, I leave McDonalds with $1.40 in Splenda packets. That’s nearly one and a half times the value of the drink itself. Mother fuck yeah!

So you see boys and girls. No matter how shitty the situation, you MUST not lose sight of the fact that something really fucking rad is about to happen. More often than not, you really have to look hard. Sometimes you have to use some imagination. But as long as you make that effort, you can transform the suckiest anything into something much, much better.

So anytime you are feeling blue and feel as though life is not worth living, just give me a call. I’ll calm you down and remind you of one of my age-old life lessons:

life will always make you eat shit. But if you keep some cinnamon in your pocket to sprinkle on it, it becomes more palatable by leaps and bounds.

Man, for some reason, this dude just strums my heartstrings like a fuckin’ harp. I feel for the guy. Yesterday, instead of snail mailing Burger King, I decided that my buddy’s well being warranted very staunch and imminent action.

After a couple ‘on holds’, I was handed off to someone in BK’s HR department. Dude was very polite, very understanding, and very sympathetic towards our guy. Gave the dude a sit rep, and how I felt our guy might have been subject to someone else’s extra-occupational affairs, and how I felt he was treated like a 12oz bag of smashed assholes.

HR guy thanked me for my concern, and told me that Burger King as a corporation, would never condone such drama in their workplace, and how they take great strides to make their place of employment a friendly, proper environment. I believe the guy. Cool dude.

He then told me “he would investigate the matter with the local operating partner,” and profusely thanked me for my continued business in choosing Burger King.

So that’s yesterdays old stale ass news. Today, chomping at the bit for my daily fast food fix, I hauled ass to Burger King as soon as I could find the time. My, what a difference a day makes.

My buddy was there, but was not running the window. Today’s window person was wearing a very nice dress shirt, quality silk tie with sterling silver tie clip, and slacks. He had a nice upscale Swiss watch, and was very well kept-FAR beyond that of some kamikaze shift supervisor or location manager ball licker. This was a big wig my friends, and WOW was my order handled in the speediest, most absolutely professional Burger King-handbook-esque fashion that one could ever truly experience. This dude was no rank and file nobody, he was the MAN.

I gotta hand it to the Burger King human resources dude. Homeboy was sincerely concerned with my concerns, did not fuck around and took immediate action. Fuck yeah man, the raw brute power of philanthropy strikes again.

While this entire debacle is kind of entertaining and funny (and benefits me monetarily, haha), the real beauty in this cannot be overlooked. While my buddy wasn’t running the window, he was right behind the big wig (probably being trained how to do it right…).  I could tell by the look on his face that even though things were still shitty-after all he works at Burger King-that it was better than yesterday by leaps and bounds. I gave him a thumbs up, and, although I don’t know for certain, I think the smile on his face seemed to set his mind at ease… just a little bit.

Ah, now that, puts a smile on my face.

Great read over here folks. I love this picture. I so, so, so, wish I could get a picture of myself looking like that. Son of a bitch.

Read I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here >>

Alright well, this is truly unprecedented shit folks. My original plan was to provide real-time feedback of the typical Papa Johns online ordering process. Now I know you naysayers will say that “oh, Papa Johns isn’t fast food, oh, oohhh I’m gay, ohhh…“. Yeah yeah yeah. So with that aside, it was time to get my lazy potato ass off the couch to purchase a meal with the absolute least possible effort.

So I sprint to the computer to place my order. Little did I know, I was about to be handed the opportunity of a lifetime. When my screen popped up, my cute friend Paula had sent me a message. She was a nut hair away from ordering her some Papa Johns as well! Holy shitballs.

Now, you have to understand, we both live in different states. She’s in Tennessee and I’m in North Carolina. Two separate Papa Johns, two separate cities. How fucking cool would it be, to place our orders at the exact same moment in time, and see who gets their pizza first. We would be puppeteers of two unknowing delivery guys. Nobody has ever done shit like this before.

Here’s a real-time look at what transpired:

Read the rest of this entry »

This is for all you lovers out there. Never make the mistake I just 5 fucking seconds ago made. Whenever you order an unsweet tea, never take for granted that speaker person heard you emphasize “UN”.

Even though I am extraordinarily careful to say, “and an UN, sweet tea, please”, that doesn’t mean shit. Too many variables exist between the time you place your order, and the time you have the deliverable in your hand. Even though I went midday when the lifers work, I still managed to get a sweet tea.

Now, big deal you might say. But when your workflow is such that you get an unsweet tea, and immediately take the lid off and add Splenda upon your arrival back at home, you end up with some insanely ridiculously sweetened out the ass tea.

So take heed people. Never, ever take an unsweet tea for granted. The unsweet tea success rate will soon approach broken-milkshake-machine territory. Now that is fucking scary.

Like many of you, I have returned home to the wrong drive thru order. It’s very unnerving and frustrating. When you go to the drive thru 4 or 5 times a day 7 days a week like I do, you quickly become an expert in reading the person at the speakers voice, and gauging what steps need to be taken from this point on, to ensure you actually go home with what you ordered. Since youngsters just learning to drive might very well read this, I thought assembling a how-to guide would help you kids out, and perhaps delay the onset of 30 year old fast food bitterness. Here’s how it’s done:

Step one - the speaker.

The drive thru speaker can be an intimidating process. You have literally seconds (unless you get a douche then you have 30 fucking minutes to read the menu, if you don’t drive away to the fast food place across the street). You still-green-behind-the-ear seedlings, listen up. You MUST, I repeat, MUST place your order in a clear, friendly, intelligible voice. Talk only at the speed in which you think they can punch the keys into the register thing. YOU MUST not go to fast here, if you do, you are certain to get the wrong bullshit. Take your time, and NEVER EVER say something like “I would like two number twos…” because you will only get one number two.

You must keep a keen eye on the menu screen (if applicable) to cross-check your order as you give it. Pay attention to the speed in which menu items show up on your screen. Wait until the item is correctly shown, and then wait for the speaker to tell you “anything else”. This is the most critical step to ensuring your order accuracy.

It’s also recommended that you say “thank you” after they tell you your total. I feel, that by simply saying thank you, it sets you apart from the previous 1000+ assholes that already got their wrong order. Show them that you care about them. Show them you like them, and you increase your odds by 5%-10% that you’ll get your apple pie.

Step two - the first window.

Because McDonalds has the better dollar menu, and much beefier styrofoam cups, I visit McDonalds roughly 60% of the time probably. Since our McDonalds uses a two-window system, I’m going to discuss that. One-window customers, this will still be applicable, you’ll just have to use more imagination.

As I discussed in a previous article, you must do your homework while you are placing your order. You cannot rely on the speaker person to tell you which window to pull up to. If you are lazy during your ordering process, and you aren’t told, you won’t know which window to drive up to. You could potentially sit at the first window like a real jackass for a good length of time. The longer the time goes between your order, and physically holding your food, the greater your chances are of order failure. Make certain you know which window.

TIP: If you didn’t pay any attention, pull to the first window, pausing just enough to see if the first windows’ register is even on. If you don’t see it on, all you need to do is act like you were digging for your wallet. Then you can cruise up to the second window.

Step three - the second window.

Here’s where the magic happens. All the grunt work and foundation-laying at the speaker and the first window finally come to fruition. You get to watch with glee as your drink is assembled, and placed close to batters box, ready to be handed to you with a straw. Ah! Did you get your straw? Did they put the straw(s) in the bag? Or are they so ignorant and incompetent, that you will not get your straw?

Asking for extras, such as ketchup or Splenda or whathaveyou, is a very delicate matter that must be handled intelligently. You can’t just up and ask “Oh, can I get some ketchup”. Haha, woah there sprout. Never ask for your condiments before you they assemble your order. Use that time to monitor that you get all your food. Personally, this is how I do it. When the person hands you your last bag of food, before the bag’s center of gravity is fully under your power (i.e. they can’t let go yet or it falls, and they have even MORE work to then do) that is when you ask for your extras. They have no choice at this point, and can do your food NO ADDITIONAL HARM.

Here is a very expert tip that takes some time and practice to master. If you are good at identifying the boxes that your particular food comes in, such as a Big Mac box, or a hard taco wrapper, you can spend the time that they hand you your condiments, carefully and slowly opening your food bag, and gently placing them in.  When done right, it appears you are simply placing your condiments in the bag, and not double checking for this stupid fuckers lack of brains.

Once you have confirmed your order is accurate, and you have condiments and drinks in tow, you can safely, slowly, proceed forward, allowing the car behind you access to your window.

At this point, you need to really double check your food. Go digging. Let those fries tip over, you can always dump them back out when you get home. This minor inconvenience is far more important than not having your sandwich.

I just got an email from someone asking me what the deal is with our logo burger. I will respond openly.

Dear reader,

The burger that is our logo is a Whopper Junior. We didn’t use a full Whopper because we were getting ready to go home and take turns fucking it, as you can see.

Plus, Whopper Juniors, for reasons unbeknownst to me, have more of that classic flame-broiled taste as compared to its Pop, the full-on Whopper.

I hope this clears up your curiosities, and lets you sleep well tonight.

Pleasant dreams,
Jim 

This was last year I believe. My brother’s buddy came by to pick him up one night, and off they went. No big. 15 minutes later, I get an insane frantic phone call from my brother…

“Holy shit, RJ and I just went to go to [a local fast food restaurant name brand chain] right, and like, we get there and you know the guy answers the speaker and he is like [in a burly voice] ‘can I help you bla bla bla….’. So like, we order and shit, and pull to the window, but its a, I think a lady. But like, when she talks its like the same deep ass voice! And like, she had a goatee and the the whole deal man…”

And he proceeded to tell me how shocked they were and we laughed at length about the situation.

So, the chemicals-that-be in my brain got cookin’, and I instantly had two distinct thoughts. One. You are now hungry, and [previously mentioned fast food chain] sounds damn good right about now. Two. I actually felt jealous and sad that I wasn’t able to experience this same experience. If only I could recreate this. So off I go. Now you have to understand that along the way was like 20 minutes of road construction, and like 3 different tards cutting me off and whatnot. So by the time I get to fast food destination, I was just glad to be there. And when you have A.D.D. as bad as me, well, you just forgot all about the burly voice thing.

So now I’m in the drive thru. Homeboy takes my order and what not and off I roll up to the window. Ho. Lee. Shit. It’s the dude. And she’s got a goatee. And his arms are harrier than me. And then it hit me like a shit ton of bricks.

I actually was given the chance to relive, the very two things, that only moments (well, moments+20 minutes) ago, I had dreamed about.

Whew, man. I just got goose bumps.

I have been on the fence about this. I mean, technically it’s not fast food because Papa Johns takes about 35-38 minutes on average from the time I press submit until the time my doorbell is pressed. So technically no, but…

The food is equally as deliciously shitty as fast food.  My brother and I live together, and we don’t cook anymore. It’s either the Big Mic, Taco, Burger, or Papa. Sometimes Pizza Hut, but generally the people that work there right now we think are shady sonsabitches. What do I know though.