Like many of you, I have returned home to the wrong drive thru order. It’s very unnerving and frustrating. When you go to the drive thru 4 or 5 times a day 7 days a week like I do, you quickly become an expert in reading the person at the speakers voice, and gauging what steps need to be taken from this point on, to ensure you actually go home with what you ordered. Since youngsters just learning to drive might very well read this, I thought assembling a how-to guide would help you kids out, and perhaps delay the onset of 30 year old fast food bitterness. Here’s how it’s done:
Step one - the speaker.
The drive thru speaker can be an intimidating process. You have literally seconds (unless you get a douche then you have 30 fucking minutes to read the menu, if you don’t drive away to the fast food place across the street). You still-green-behind-the-ear seedlings, listen up. You MUST, I repeat, MUST place your order in a clear, friendly, intelligible voice. Talk only at the speed in which you think they can punch the keys into the register thing. YOU MUST not go to fast here, if you do, you are certain to get the wrong bullshit. Take your time, and NEVER EVER say something like “I would like two number twos…” because you will only get one number two.
You must keep a keen eye on the menu screen (if applicable) to cross-check your order as you give it. Pay attention to the speed in which menu items show up on your screen. Wait until the item is correctly shown, and then wait for the speaker to tell you “anything else”. This is the most critical step to ensuring your order accuracy.
It’s also recommended that you say “thank you” after they tell you your total. I feel, that by simply saying thank you, it sets you apart from the previous 1000+ assholes that already got their wrong order. Show them that you care about them. Show them you like them, and you increase your odds by 5%-10% that you’ll get your apple pie.
Step two - the first window.
Because McDonalds has the better dollar menu, and much beefier styrofoam cups, I visit McDonalds roughly 60% of the time probably. Since our McDonalds uses a two-window system, I’m going to discuss that. One-window customers, this will still be applicable, you’ll just have to use more imagination.
As I discussed in a previous article, you must do your homework while you are placing your order. You cannot rely on the speaker person to tell you which window to pull up to. If you are lazy during your ordering process, and you aren’t told, you won’t know which window to drive up to. You could potentially sit at the first window like a real jackass for a good length of time. The longer the time goes between your order, and physically holding your food, the greater your chances are of order failure. Make certain you know which window.
TIP: If you didn’t pay any attention, pull to the first window, pausing just enough to see if the first windows’ register is even on. If you don’t see it on, all you need to do is act like you were digging for your wallet. Then you can cruise up to the second window.
Step three - the second window.
Here’s where the magic happens. All the grunt work and foundation-laying at the speaker and the first window finally come to fruition. You get to watch with glee as your drink is assembled, and placed close to batters box, ready to be handed to you with a straw. Ah! Did you get your straw? Did they put the straw(s) in the bag? Or are they so ignorant and incompetent, that you will not get your straw?
Asking for extras, such as ketchup or Splenda or whathaveyou, is a very delicate matter that must be handled intelligently. You can’t just up and ask “Oh, can I get some ketchup”. Haha, woah there sprout. Never ask for your condiments before you they assemble your order. Use that time to monitor that you get all your food. Personally, this is how I do it. When the person hands you your last bag of food, before the bag’s center of gravity is fully under your power (i.e. they can’t let go yet or it falls, and they have even MORE work to then do) that is when you ask for your extras. They have no choice at this point, and can do your food NO ADDITIONAL HARM.
Here is a very expert tip that takes some time and practice to master. If you are good at identifying the boxes that your particular food comes in, such as a Big Mac box, or a hard taco wrapper, you can spend the time that they hand you your condiments, carefully and slowly opening your food bag, and gently placing them in. When done right, it appears you are simply placing your condiments in the bag, and not double checking for this stupid fuckers lack of brains.
Once you have confirmed your order is accurate, and you have condiments and drinks in tow, you can safely, slowly, proceed forward, allowing the car behind you access to your window.
At this point, you need to really double check your food. Go digging. Let those fries tip over, you can always dump them back out when you get home. This minor inconvenience is far more important than not having your sandwich.